Your 5-Step Guide to Being Adventurous as F#%k
So you want to be an Adventure Mama? You want to join the elite club of badass women taking over social media? Well, look no further because I’ve created an easy 5-step guide that’s guaranteed to ensure you’re a HOT, viral success.
1. First things first! You need crazy photogenic children. It is best if you have them in pairs but singles will do. No messy “real life” kids, that gets tired as soon as you tie their shoes. Your children must love nature and all things wild! No phobias of pine needles, spiders, or bears. And obviously they should be clean and trendy. Because the mountains are calling and you MUST go!
2. Now you can’t take on this adventure alone. You need an equally, if not more, badass partner! It’s ideal if they are above such things as social media as this works in your favor, after all, you do need a photographer. Also, this partner-extraordinaire should be exceedingly wealthy because to really become one with the trail it’s best if you keep a SAHM status. How else do you plan on being outdoors 24/7? I mean, your children need the wild, not Netflix or the play place at Chick-Fil-A! Also, an important side-note while we’re talking about food: clean eating is good; vegetarian is better; but really vegan is best. Mmmkay?
3. Kids, check! SAHM-status, check! Millionaire, check! Now you have to look the part, and that leads to gear! Hiking boots, daypacks (not a backpack, because there is a difference), bladder, trekking poles, Lula-whatever leggings, and a sassy graphic tee. Now, multiply that by however many children you have, because EVERYONE needs to look the part. When purchasing these items you will want to stick to brand name products, like the one about the face. And while you’re at it, find an activity to complement hiking, you know like something that makes you look really hardcore. Hiking is not enough to be badass. So climbing, snowboarding, skiing, or canyoneering would be a perfect match! So, hurry up and go buy that gear too.
4. Now, let’s talk about location. If you don’t live in the PNW, Utah, Hawaii, Colorado, or Canada… simply move. Yes, there is beauty to be found everywhere, it’s just mostly in the above-mentioned places. A bus is good and also works. If you aren’t providing a bus or Banff for your children, they will become entitled assholes because you aren’t exposing them to the right experiences. And you don’t want to #MomFail, do you?
5. Okay, I can’t even make up a fifth tip without getting waves of nausea…. So let’s cut the BS and get to the serious part…
“Wow, if I lived there it would be so easy…”
“If I didn’t have demon children, I could take them there…”
“If I had more help and didn’t have to be alone, maybe I could…”
“I wish I knew what I was doing…”
Do you ever have these thoughts when you are looking through social media? I know I do…
Let’s get one thing straight before we go on, there is too much bullshit we, as mothers, go through on a daily basis… from our kids, our partners, our parents, our friends, our “friends”, work, media, SOCIAL media, and you know, you put yourself through some shit too! It is what it is, no shame. We shouldn’t make it harder on ourselves by endlessly comparing our lives to other people’s highlight reels. Especially when it comes to nature… Just no. Leave the drama and expectations on the drive there.
I’d like to tell you, “Go! Run wild my badass Adventure Mama!” But my experience says that you probably won’t, not without a little push anyway. So here’s my actual two-cents on owning your AM status.
Don’t let fear of the unknown scare you into missing out on adventure! If you do just that, that’s pretty badass to me. All the other 1 through 5 junk– it’s just excuses. There’s nothing wrong with any of that stuff until you let it hinder you from living the life of YOUR freaking dreams.
Location doesn’t matter, everywhere has somewhere worth wandering. You need to be a stay at home mom? Wrong! Just plan an outing in advance. I know, easier said than done, but girl, you-got-this. Gear is good. Gear is fun. I promise, you’ll get to that point. I never thought I would, but you should see my Christmas list now. Granite Gear, MSR, Nemo, Patagonia… I’m swooning and my wallet is crying. But until this is a lifestyle for you, don’t sweat it. Keep it simple. And a photographer? Just buy a selfie stick. It’s kind of painful… I know! My husband comes with me but he can only take me telling him what to do for so long… They are $5 at Target, just do it. You’ll feel like an ass, but I know you want to be in those pictures too.
If you truly want to be Adventurous AF, go with no expectations. No expectations for yourself or your family. If all you manage is to get a little nature hike in, perfect! You have to start somewhere. And even when you have your entire family backpacking through the wilderness and you get that super-awesome-Instagram-worthy-sunset-pic… there will still be days where all you can manage are nature hikes. Do what feels right for you, no one else knows your story and what you are capable of.
These moments are for you Adventure Mama, now step up and get out there!
Mama of two attempting adventure and maybe some personal growth. Kauai native but a Utah local. You can find me on the trails with the family, either bribing the little one or explaining to the bigger one where acceptable places to pee are. Find her on IG: @ThorneeeSachi